Mailbox
by Janus-Ekat writer
Summary: The story of the Mailbox in Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained. Only this time from the perspective of the mailbox. Or should I say- The rest of the following message has been cut off because you have to read the rest of the story to find out who it really is. Although I must add, it's pretty obvious if you read the character list...


**I have mixed feelings about the mailbox who as I've said numerous times before I don't trust. I've already explained why! Check out my latest chapter in "Paranoia" if in doubt. Yes, that was a little shameless advertizing... On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls.**

* * *

"Let's see, what to do today..." He mused pulling out a list.

"Number one, find Waldo." He read. "Well, that's impossible, let's see what's next." The list continued on

_Deal with Pines family. _"Number two, deal with the Pines family... When did I make this list?! I really need to list jobs I can actually do! Right now that is..."

_Finish the Gleeful issue. _"Seriously!?"

Get the mail. "Finally something I can do in this current state!"

Strangely enough, the only job left on the list was more of a joke. The only reason it was on the list was to make it feel like more jobs had been done when in reality little to no effort had been used. It was why jobs number 5 and 6 respectively were "float around" and "Exist. Sort of." No one sent him mail anymore, not for the past three or so decades actually.

The mailbox just floated around on it's own small patch of land in the dreamscape, flag always in the down or "no mail" position. Despite it being on of the only double sided communication with the world, (There were quite a few one-sided outposts.) he felt no sense of duty to watch over it. Hell, he didn't even feel anything these days. Just some stronger things like anger, and frustration. Not to mention that more blind pent-up side of uncontrollable insanity... But that wasn't important.

"Let's see what we have today," He said to himself, "oh look no mail! Surprise, surprise! Well I've done enough work for the next year or so, so I'll just-" But as he was about to finish, the box glowed and the red-tipped flag pushed up on it's own. Signalling that there was mail.

Giving a quick double-take at the box the cautiously, ("_Not that anything could hurt me."_ he thought to himself.) opened the latch and pulled out a simple folded square of paper.

_**'SUP DAWG?**_

It read.

"Great, now I actually have to do a job. Let's see who sent this." Pausing levitating for a second, (Hey, it _was_ a job after all.) he roved around the minds of a select few before realizing,

"Of course, the Pine Tree? Who else?"

Well, he _did_ list getting the mail as a job, so he _did _have to reply.

"I'm never making a to do list again."

"Let's see. Paper." A browning sheet of paper appeared

"Ink." A small bottle of blue ink followed, twisting the cap off itself.

"And a fountain pen." Which appeared before landing in the bottle of ink nib down.

"_Now I don't want to call him Pine Tree, that would give it all away and he'd run off-" _He mused, resuming hovering a few centimetres above the ground where the mailbox was secured.

Quickly scrawling down a message, (What was the time difference between human and demon time again?) and choosing to seal it with some random symbol, (Using a genuine seal could also give too much away.) he placed it in the box.

_**Hello Dipper and Soos.**_

"_Dude, what if this thing's all-knowing?!"_

"_We gotta test it!"_

Not 17 seconds later, there was a reply.

_**WHAT DID I SHAVE INTO MY HEAD THIS MORNING?**_

Great, they were testing out his all-knowing. Let's see, just shift few a pile of memories there- tsk, tsk- so many secrets- sloppy organizing- here we are.

* * *

_Soos stood in front of a mirror._

"_Today is the day." He said to himself. "I'm going to shave a question mark into the back of my head!"_

_**Five painful minutes later.**_

"_Ow! Dude it hurts! So, many. Shaving Cuts! Hey, this doesn't look like a question mark! More like a baby duck holding a paddle ball..."_

* * *

Pulling out another sheet, he scrawled down quickly;

_**A baby duck holding a paddle ball.**_

"_Dude, it knew!"_

Soon enough, more letters had appeared

_**WHEN IS THE END OF THE WORLD?**_

"Let's humour them on that one."

Jotting down a random number (3012) he sent it.

_**WHO IS MY DREAM WOMAN?**_

"Hmmm. Continue keeping secrets as dark as that and you'll never find someone. But just for kicks..."

* * *

"_Umm, when is the exact time and date of my death?"_

"_Did aliens build the pyramids?!"_

"_Or. What is the meaning of life?!"_

"_What are marshmallows made of?!"_

"_Who wrote journal number three?!"_

"_Who wrote the journal! Who wrote the journal!"_

"_We're finally going to get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!"_

"_Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail mom this video of me sticking a hundred gummy worms up my nose!"_

"_No! Wait!"_

"_Dude!"_

"_Slam!"_

* * *

Interesting, they didn't send a letter this time. There was an un-marked video tape in it's place. _"Well there's no harm in seeing what's recorded on it."_

"Ahhhh! My eyes! I mean eye!"

Apparently there _was _harm in watching an un-marked video.

"That's it! I'm tired of this!" He screamed, fists glowing with blue fire. Sending on last letter;

_**Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me, you fools are unworthy of my great knowledge, the era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass.**_

Snapping his fingers the poor mailbox tore apart into fractions until it was only visible in fragments on an atomic scale. And just to male sure the other end got the message.

"_Well, uh. That concludes Dipper's guide to the unexplained, where we learned; when dealing with the unknown do not mail videos of you sticking gummy worms up your nose!"_

" _There's more where that came from! Into my nose! Into my nose!"_

"_Show over! Show over!"_

"That is the last time I will ever do anything. Ever."

* * *

**Moral of Story:** Gummy worms do not belong in your nose. And, if you're going to make a to do list, leave out getting the mail!


End file.
